Halloween, in my younger days, was a night of watching scary movies with my friends. I used to watch all manner of horror flicks back then. Old movies, new movies, you name it. Ghosts, vampires, giant bugs destroying cities, aliens, you name it, I watched ’em all. I never got into the slasher movies, like Halloween or Friday the 13th and such. Aside from those, though, for a long time I probably saw every scary movie that came out.
I’ll be the first to admit, however, that most scary movies, aside from whatever monster imperils the populace, are examples of extreme stupidity on the part of the various characters. What follows are a set of tips on what to do, if you find yourself having to fend off ghosts or werewolves or the so-called bug-eyed monsters of the movies.
- Stay together. If you and your friends are out in the woods, and one of you ends up dead at the hands of some unknown creature, stay in the group. If some genius declares “Hey, why don’t we split up and go see if we can find out what’s going on?”, then someone needs to give that guy or gal a slap. STAY TOGETHER!!
- Don’t go check out the room on the other side of the half-opened door at the end of the hallway. I mean, come on, does no one in the movies have any common sense at all? You hear a strange sound, and a bump, from a room upstairs, followed by a strange gurgling noise. The average reaction on the part of movie characters is to go up the stairs, walk down the hall toward the door that’s standing half-opened, and stick their heads into the room to see what made the strange gurgling noise. Now, I can’t speak for anyone else, but I’m just not that curious.
- When you’re looking to buy a house and you’re checking out a home and a bunch of flies gather on a window and tell you in a loud, deep voice “GET OUT!”, then get out! Eddie Murphy summed it up in a routine he performed many years ago: “I think there’s a nice house over on the next block!” Seriously. Something really freaky resides in that house you’re checking out, and it doesn’t want you there. So leave. You’ll be happy, cause you won’t have to deal with all kinds of weird, horrifying things happening when you least expect it. The freaky thing living in the house will be happy having the house all to itself once again. Win-win.
- Carry a gun. Or at least a bat, or other hard blunt object. Used with rule #1, when there’s some bloody idiot out there with a knife, you and your friends should have a reasonable chance of safety. Murderous freak with a knife vs. ten guys with baseball bats? My money’s on the guys with the bats.
- Run! It’s sad how many characters in the movies see something freaky and scary and just stand there screaming. My cat’s smarter than that. He hears a strange noise, and POOF! He’s gone. A hand starts coming up out of a grave, or a reddish blob comes rolling out of a room, or some shambling monstronsity comes up the stairs from the basement, just run. Don’t scream, just run. Fast. In the other direction. Do it quickly enough and there could be a chance that whatever freaky thing is emerging won’t even know you were there. It might have an idea that someone was in the area, but it won’t be able to identify you for later. RUN!
- Use a stick. When you’re out and about, and you see something weird on the ground, let’s say a strange looking rock with some red gunk oozing out of it, don’t touch it with your bare hands. Get a stick and poke it, if you must, but never under any circumstances allow it to come into contact with you. This is good common sense for anything odd you come across. Stick science. See something new or strange or different or weird or odd or unusual or any other adjective along those lines, poke it with a stick. If the strange substance exhibits any kind of response, then go to rule #5.
- Don’t say “Candyman” five times while looking in a mirror and then turn the lights out. Or any other such name or word that an acquaintance passes your way. Remember the Bloody Mary thing? Really. Don’t do it. Now, realistically, it’s just a bunch of nonsense, but why tempt fate? When someone tells you, “hey, I heard that if you look in your bathroom mirror and say Crazy Eddie three times, and then shut the light off, the ghost of Crazy Eddie will appear”, thank him for the information and then forget it. Seriously, do you really want to see Crazy Eddie?
- Stay out of the haunted forest. Or house. Or old building. Or haunted ghost town. Or anything along those lines. Someone tells you “strange things happen in the woods around Willow Creek….I hear lots of people have disappeared in there,” then don’t go in the woods around Willow Creek. Seriously. It’s not rocket science.
- Don’t stick strange things in your mouth to see what they are or what it tastes like. Nothing good can come from this.
- If you’re driving down the highway and you see someone or something at a house near the road doing something weird or strange, don’t slow down or stop to take a look and see what’s going on. If you feel the need to do something, then keep driving at the same speed and don’t look closely at whatever’s happening. Get to the next town and tell the police there that you think something really weird is happening back at the place you passed. Then get back in your car and keep on rollin’ down the highway. This is a good rule of thumb, period. Do you really want to take a nice long gander at the mob guy performing a hit so that he has a chance to look over and see that someone’s observing him in the act? Get to town and notify the police. You’ll live longer that way.
That’s it. If you find yourself in an unfortunate situation where something weird is happening, or you hear eerie music start up, then remember the rules above and use them!
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